OutWord Magazine: Discovering Polyamory
I have always been queer. I have lived as an openly gay man since my freshman year of high school. Queerness was a part of all
of my earliest friendships, and my teen sexual exploration years were spent primarily behind closed doors with my male peers.
As an adult I’ve had a steady stream of romantic relationships varying in length from weeks to a couple of years. For the sake of transparency, I was chronically unfaithful. Despite that fact, I remain on great terms with most of the men I have been romantically linked to.
In 2015 I moved to Sacramento, California and had my final closed relationship, which ended amicably. A couple of years of being single, and living my best life followed until I met my partner Reagan.
We lived nearly an hour apart so we began our relationship open, and for the first year things worked harmoniously. I had my own space to live the way I wanted, and also the love and support that comes from having a supportive boyfriend. In late 2019 we moved to Oakland together.
The pandemic was a real test on our relationship. For the first time we had to rely on only each other to meet all of our needs, and that pressure nearly ended our relationship on a few occasions. We ultimately got through it, and in late 2020 we moved again, this time into the heart of San Francisco where the ‘open’ phase of our relationship went into overdrive.
SAN FRANCISCO
Grindr in San Francisco is unlike any place on earth. I have to scroll several times just to get off of my own block, whereas in many parts of the world the nearest person could be miles away. I quickly made a few friends with benefits, but I was starting to realize that it wasn’t sex that I was ultimately seeking, it was something more.
In San Francisco there are a myriad of relationship styles on display all around me so I began to read about the rainbow of romantic possibilities to see if something felt familiar.
Polyamory: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
My romantic life flashed before my eyes at first glance. The faces of the men I have loved, and in most cases still love. The frequent infidelity, the struggles with cohabitation all pointed to polyamory. After reading a few books on ethical non-monogamy, including the classic The Ethical Slut I came out to myself as polyamorous.
NEW LOVE ENERGY
My first date with Jose was full of deep conversation, laughter, affection and mind-blowing sex. We met on Grindr, and he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, but I knew right away this would be more than a hookup. I suspect he did too as we began seeing each other every week. Within a few months I fell head-over-heels in love with him and for a few more months I held that as a secret, afraid to say it for fear of ruining everything.
I began to date another sweet guy named Andrew around this time, and as I began to manage three relationships the strangest thing began to happen at home. I felt closer and more interested in my partner, my confidence began to improve, my communication style became more open, more honest, more authentic.
I formally came out to my partner as poly. Reagan is very intelligent, and quickly began reading books and having difficult conversations with me. We moved forward as a poly-mono couple, and I finally felt free to own my feelings.
LOVE IS LOVE
“I love you,” I said one night, staring into Jose’s eyes. He replied instantly, “I love you too.” I cried. He kissed me on the forehead and held me tight, and I knew that I had found it. It wasn’t his love specifically that I was looking for, it was the freedom to give and receive love however it comes my way. Knowing he felt the same way was the cherry on top.
Now I say I love you all the time, If I feel it, I say it.
The last two years have been a steady cycle of communication, conflict, understanding and growth. Overcoming jealousy, setting boundaries, and respecting your partner’s humanity and desires are all crucial. Polyamory comes with a world full of possibilities, but as with any serious relationship, each poly connection comes with its share of sacrifice and compromise.
Coming out again, 25 years later, this time as polyamorous has been the learning experience of a lifetime. My view of love has been forever changed, and my life is better for it.
